Ross and Rachel (“Friends”)
They’re on a break. They were happy on day four hundred and twelve, but Ross made an insensitive comment about the triviality of Rachel’s fashion job, which caused Rachel to smash one of Ross’s dinosaur fossils, so they split. They swear they won’t get back together, despite their three children and the fact that they haven’t spoken to anyone else in years. Ross is overextended on child-support payments as it is—he can’t afford another divorce. They have broken up and reunited thirty-six times since quarantine began.
Homer and Marge (“The Simpsons”)
Homer doesn’t want to help out around the house, so he’s on day fifty-nine of pretending to have COVID-19, which we’re not sure animated characters can even get. Self-isolating, Homer watches TV, drinks beer, and burps. Marge desperately wishes she could afford a cleaning person—her one refuge is the grocery store, where she’s gone each of the past four hundred and thirteen days, whether or not she needs groceries.
Josh and Donna (“The West Wing”)
Josh is in charge of the D.N.C.’s midterm efforts and has not taken a single minute off in four hundred and thirteen days of quarantine, or before that. Donna tells him on a perpetual loop to relax and take this chance to rest, which has always been her role in the relationship. Still, he chugs Red Bulls and spends an exorbitant amount of time starting fights in the Twitter comments of the hosts of “Pod Save America.” Donna sometimes finds herself wondering if Toby is still single—he got out of prison and sold a book for eight figures, so he’s probably quarantined somewhere with a pool.
J.D. and Turk (“Scrubs”)
J.D. and Turk were not allowed to quarantine together—their wives wouldn’t permit it. And they work at different hospitals now, since Sacred Heart could sustain only so much incompetence. By day four hundred and thirteen, J.D. has set up an entire home studio so that he can Zoom Turk from three different angles, but he wishes for more—specifically, to see the top of Turk’s head. J.D. has started on Wellbutrin to deal with how much he misses his best friend. Thank god he can write his own prescriptions—just imagine how hard quarantine is for people without meds, he and Turk say to themselves, laughing, twenty-six times a day.
Dwight and Angela (“The Office”)
The many acres of Dwight’s beet farm provide ample space for social distancing, though Angela becomes upset when Dwight tries to create a vaccine using horse manure, which he assures her is an old Schrute recipe that was used to treat the bubonic plague. Still, she could have it much, much worse. At least they have their own supply of food, even if it is just beets.
Carrie and Big (“Sex and the City”)
On day four hundred and thirteen, Big returns, after having vanished for the weekend. He first offers a fake explanation, then admits that he was cheating on Carrie. She cries, but quickly forgives him for no apparent reason, because that’s just what she does. She wants to know if he was exposed to anyone with the virus, but asking seems too needy. Later that night, Big and Carrie have sex for the first time in three hundred and sixty-two days, and Big suggests a mini-vacation to his home in the Hamptons. Carrie writes off all their problems. Imagine quarantining without a country house—yikes.
Callie and Arizona (“Grey’s Anatomy”)
Arizona cannot understand why Callie isn’t crying more. “We’re surgeons,” Callie explains. “We’re the toughest, most intense, hottest, and most important people who’ve ever lived. How did you miss the thesis of this show?” By day four hundred and thirteen, Arizona has had enough—she buys a three-bedroom apartment just for her and her feelings, because she’s a surgeon and she can afford it. She throws in a diamond ring because she’s sad.
Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv (“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”)
After Season 3 of “Fresh Prince,” Aunt Viv was famously replaced, with no explanation. On day four hundred and thirteen of the quarantine, with tensions running high, Aunt Vivs are shuffling in and out at a dizzying speed. We’re on our seventy-ninth Aunt Viv. No one in the house seems to notice—their mansion is large enough to contain an ark’s worth of Vivs. Thank god for that. Replacing an Aunt Viv while quarantining in a one-bedroom—how could anyone deal?
Chuck and Blair (“Gossip Girl”)
Chuck and Blair absolutely thrive every single day of quarantine. They bought the island of Nantucket and haven’t seen each other or their kids once. They don’t really understand why other people are struggling so much under quarantine—there are plenty of islands.
Advice from TV couples: if you want to survive quarantine, ask your writers to make you rich.